Last month I missed my ten year high school reunion. It wasn’t because I have hard feelings about high school – I really don’t – it was mainly because of logistics. Flying into my hometown of Tallahassee from Austin can cost upwards of a month’s rent. Plus, to be honest I just don’t seek out unstructured social interaction. A weekend-long mixer with people I knew-ish ten years ago sounds interesting in theory, but I knew a few hours in I’d wish I were somewhere else…and probably leave.
I have a strong, vivid memory of a tunnel. I can see the light on the other side. Then an impossibly small ring of cloth is forced over my head, my hair is stuck to my face with static electricity, and the ring is now, by nothing short of a miracle, around my neck. I shudder thinking of it.
So now, decades later, am I really about to reacquaint myself with my foe, the turtleneck?
Continue reading Were You Traumatized By Turtlenecks?
Many moons ago I bought a Fitbit through a program at my office to get folks in shape and get a better rate on our health insurance. Within three days I threw it in the trash.
Sounds like a pretty jackass first-world thing to do, doesn’t it? Only when you understand what that little wannabe Tamagotchi did to my brain can you really grasp what might motivate me to take such swift and decisive action.
Mine would peg me as insular, avoiding reality, filtering out influence from those with whom I might disagree. But make no mistake – it took a lot of work to get here.
Did I wake you up this morning? Did I send you a text at the crack of dawn with a to-do list for your day? No? Then why does your shirt say, “But First, Coffee”? Or “Buy Me Brunch” or “I woke up like this”? Did I ask?
Sometimes I feel just like Jeff Mangum. Y’know what I mean?
And so do you.
I’ve already extolled all the many and wondrous virtues of loving your face in its purest form. But that doesn’t mean I’m some angry feminist who thinks wearing makeup is betraying my true beauty, kowtowing to the patriarchy or something. I own makeup (a shameful amount, actually); I wear makeup, and by some people’s standards I’m sure my “skin care routine” borders on nutty. But hey, you’re already here, why not humor me?