5 Things I’ve Learned Since High School

Last month I missed my ten year high school reunion. It wasn’t because I have hard feelings about high school – I really don’t – it was mainly because of logistics. Flying into my hometown of Tallahassee from Austin can cost upwards of a month’s rent. Plus, to be honest I just don’t seek out unstructured social interaction. A weekend-long mixer with people I knew-ish ten years ago sounds interesting in theory, but I knew a few hours in I’d wish I were somewhere else…and probably leave.

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Were You Traumatized By Turtlenecks?

I have a strong, vivid memory of a tunnel. I can see the light on the other side. Then an impossibly small ring of cloth is forced over my head, my hair is stuck to my face with static electricity, and the ring is now, by nothing short of a miracle, around my neck. I shudder thinking of it.

So now, decades later, am I really about to reacquaint myself with my foe, the turtleneck?
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My Fitbit Made Me Miserable.

Many moons ago I bought a Fitbit through a program at my office to get folks in shape and get a better rate on our health insurance. Within three days I threw it in the trash.

Sounds like a pretty jackass first-world thing to do, doesn’t it? Only when you understand what that little wannabe Tamagotchi did to my brain can you really grasp what might motivate me to take such swift and decisive action.

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I’m That Bitch With The Lemon Water

I’ve already extolled all the many and wondrous virtues of loving your face in its purest form. But that doesn’t mean I’m some angry feminist who thinks wearing makeup is betraying my true beauty, kowtowing to the patriarchy or something. I own makeup (a shameful amount, actually); I wear makeup, and by some people’s standards I’m sure my “skin care routine” borders on nutty. But hey, you’re already here, why not humor me?

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